Over the years I have begin to understand why I behave the way I do when it comes to relationships, love and emotional vulnerability. I’m well aware of my issues and the problems that led me to this place. Yet even after acknowledging my problem, I am still doing things my future self would curse me for.
I tell myself to open up my heart and give those who wants to love me right a chance, but when I get to the moment of reckoning, I choke. It happens over and over again. I am sometimes frustrated with myself with my inability to get past my deepest fear of all – the fear of giving another person the power to hurt me.
Yet the perception that everyone sees in me is a vulnerable person that needed love and attention; that the more I push someone away, the more they want to come closer. I am not in the position or even have control over my heart to be open, be vulnerable and let someone close to me. I wish I am able to give all of myself without losing any of myself.
I’ve always know that I can be completely content on my own, but I always wonder if I’m strong enough to live without love if I don’t find the love I want. I’ve always been terrified that if I let myself fall for someone, I’ll lose all that strength. It’s happened before. I have given all of me only to find myself hitting the ground wounded with broken ribs. It’s just me and my excuses to distract myself from my own problems in the past.
Yes, I’ve been different since. I’m no longer the person I was before my heart was broken, and I haven’t put myself in a mutual relationship since I’ve changed. I find myself losing the ability to connect with others on a personal and intimate level. I was told the only way to conquer that fear is to accept that there is going to be pain and hurt in my life, but I tried and it only made my anxiety even worse. I try to make myself present, breathe through it all and be authentic.
It just seems like my fear of love is the one fear I
can’t conquer.