Maybe my stress level has been getting on my nerve exploding on almost every person that accidentally steps on the trigger, but I don’t mean to explode myself, I was just hoping there’s a window for me to catch my breath. I don’t like to talk about my feelings, I never know if it might accidentally explode the landmine that has been buried deep inside of me for a long time. Some days are good. In fact, most days are good. To anyone on the outside I am the cheerful person. I joke and I smile and I can crap the nonsense behind my sarcasm. That’s the side I want the world to see.
I don’t want people to know the me that I’ve hid so well inside of me. I don’t want people to see the version of myself where I could turn myself into a villain destroying everything I touch. I don’t want people to see the person who stayed up late at night fighting the demons. I don’t want people to know the version of me who push away every person who tries to come close to me. We all have parts of ourselves we keep hidden from the world around us, but every once in a while you come across someone or a few people who choose to enter, no matter which part of the world they are in.
But I always have to reject them pushing them away because the only thing worse than letting someone in is letting someone in and watching them leave because they can’t handle it. I’ve become a burden messing up the peace in their life. That’s the guilt I’m still learning to get over it. But every once in a while you find someone who stays, you find someone who aren’t the monster you so believe you are. Thank you for saving me, thank you for walking with me by my side leading me back to the light. You taught me that I don’t always need to be getting stuff done. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay, and absolutely necessary to shut down, kick back and do nothing.
I know I can never give back the things you’ve given me but I hope one day I can love myself the way you show me I should. Maybe some day, I’ll save you too.