I have always known that I don’t
have feelings; I no longer know what it feels like to bring my hopes up and/or
have dreams achieved or even have a plan to follow. I spend most of the time
last year just wanting to shut down and escape from reality, resisting love,
resisting joy, resisting anyone who tries to come close because I just don’t
know how I could handle another life breakdown.
I tried to just let myself feel joy
and block off all the rest, but at the end of the day I ain’t really living, I
am not able to open up to a deeper, fuller range of experience. I worry about
losing that little bit of me that I still hold within me. I end up avoiding, ignoring
and denying all the good just because I cannot accept the fact that I’m a failure. Little did I know that
when I shut off pain, I shut off all of my ability to feel; to feel hope and
joy, patience and love, calm and inspiration. I lose it all.
I have set out New Year resolutions
to learn to heal, to treat my heart better, to find happiness again. But it
just doesn’t seems to work, I’ve been trying
to find the tears inside of me, to allow the waves of grief to crash over me,
to clutch on the pillow and mourn over the loss over a good friend over the
pandemic, over broken relationship. And I will keep trying, I am going to train myself to open up to life
again, bit by bit. This is going to be the year that I awaken dormant dreams,
remember why I started, fall in love with the people already in my life, and
learn to bloom from within.
This is the year that I will stop
carrying what happened to me because those stories shape me to who I am today
but that doesn’t define who I am going to be. My Chinese Zodiac predicted that
this year is going to be a great year, and
I am going to take this opportunity to heal, to find my way to the light.
Let’s do 2022!