How can I go out with you exclusively when I just let someone kissed me
so passionately the night before?
I never even allow my ex-es to kiss
me, yet that very night in an empty dusty apartment with a little warm breeze
by the windows, I allow him to hold me closer, squeezing me into his chest
where I just felt the beating of his heartbeat as I rest on him. I needed that
peace. But I’m a bad idea, I repeated
countless of times to the guys who tries to come close to me since the pandemic
was lifted.
My friends think I have a list of
boyfriends that I date so randomly, but the
truth is I don’t even have feelings. I cannot even hook up with a stranger,
or even gotten intimate with someone, how can I let myself get attached in
another relationship where I know where the story is going to end. I always
thought that those passionate kisses is going to lead to something deeper, to
something that last a lifetime.
I tried letting myself get close to
people, physically and emotionally, trying to find back feelings that I have
lose for a long time, yet I push everyone away when they get too close. I am
afraid that I am going to hurt another human being with my broken pieces. I
have been single for a very long time, but on the loneliest night I crave a
cuddle, a little acts of intimacy, a little kiss. But I can’t have a real relationship with anyone, because I’m a bad idea. And I’m toxic.
