I realize I’m not honest with myself most of
the time. I’m a natural people pleaser where I am willing to give more than I
take, but when it comes to treating myself, I convince myself that I’m
unworthy of love. I think for women, there’s still a stigma for not being
nurturing or caring enough. There’s immense pressure to look good all the time,
and to smile all the damn time. To be good at everything and crushing it in the
careers, side hustles, and love lives before thirties.
But if I’m being honest about myself, I’m tired
of hiding who I am and pretending to what I’m not. I thought we could all fake
it till we make it. I thought I would eventually find myself if I put
myself into roles of people who do well in life – the successful entrepreneurs,
the no-nonsense professional who’s realistic. I feel like a hypocrite. I talk a
lot about individuality and doing things without shame, being strong and courageous, yet in my daily life, I
feel like shit all the time.
I don’t share my personal thoughts, my personal
feelings, with others. I tried to journal everything I think and feel, but beyond
the first page, my journals are left with words I can’t even understand myself.
I thought I was holding myself back from expressing all the things I want to
say but the truth is I am just afraid to express who I am as a human. And I’m
tired of being me, I’m tired of living this life that’s full of dead ends and
dark, twisting tunnels with no hope of light at the end.
I don’t always know who I even am at times, and
I’ve questioned if it’s worth being myself if I can’t even like myself. I keep
convincing myself to love yet I’m just a hollow shell who has abandoned herself
a long time ago.