I have fought my own battles silently, and it
was never easy for me. People thought I was doing well all the time because I
was just smiling most of the time. Little did they know that almost every
night, I just stayed awake, so the nightmare does not haunt me. I kept
wondering where it all went wrong. I thought that maybe I was not deserving of
happiness at all, or maybe I was not a good person so that life keep throwing
shit on my face.
When I closed my eyes, everything come back to
me – the trauma, the painful goodbyes, the broken friendships, the
unexpected deaths, the heart-breaking rejections. The pain rippled
inside me every time.
Yet sometimes you just wonder why life keep
sending me different person to save me each time. To save me from all the
insanity and the chaos I had to deal with every now and then. Though he’s
not romantic like any of my previous dates, where he would surprise me with my favorite flowers and comfort food, he could still deal with the nonsense I throw at him
most of the time.
Yet I still doubt myself on why I never felt
the need to have my hand hold, or hug after a long hard day. I sometimes curse
myself so much that I rather want to be snuck in the middle of someone else
love story than let myself commit in a healthy relationship.