I honestly do not know how to feel. I cannot keep going on like this. All I know
is that somewhere down the line, some incidents must have hit me hard. I am not
even sure what broke me or what can mend me which is also part of a painful
realization. I wish I knew the magic formula of how to feel again. Yet
everyday to me is like walking on shattered glass.
And the thing is, I feel guilty about it. I
feel guilty for not knowing how to fix myself, for not laughing like I used to,
for not opening my heart like I used to. I used to do it so well. I used to
welcome the world with such open arms. My pain always creeps up and is deep-seated.
It’s the kind of sadness that wears on and sleeps and wakes up with me every
day. It is paralyzing me; it’s wanting to cry but no tears could be
found. It’s wanting to scream but everything just got swallow inside of me.
Others try to save me; they try to tell me they’re
there, but it breaks my heart to see them waste their energy on one thing with
no happy ending. I don’t need mending; I just need to find a place where I can
let go of all the emotions that has bottled up in me over the years. I want to
heal, but I am a wound so deep I don’t know what I can do with myself.