All these times I always thought I
have broke people with my broken pieces, little did I know I was the one
bleeding all this time. I never knew all this time I’ve been waking up with a heavy heart and a
lump in my throat. That familiar feeling of inevitable sadness greets me when I
first open my eyes, taunting and teasing me as it usually does, reminding me
that this is how I will be going through the motions of my day.
I kept saying that I’ve lose the
ability to cry but the truth is each time I just try to hide them deeper when I
sense that someone is trying to trigger the button. I take a hot shower; I turn
it up hoping that one day the water may magically cleanse me out of this pain.
Maybe those water that wash down my face could be represented as the tears that
needed to be washed away.
I never knew healing would be such
impossible in this lifetime. I always thought as human being we need to
experience misery and heartbreak at least once in this lifetime so that we
could experience the capacity of joy without profound misery. But I realized that
even after a decade I have never healed. I never knew I have held unto loss, my
cuts were deep, and I am still bleeding when I look back.
I may feel better and stronger, but
I don’t think I will ever be healed. Can any of us ever be? The wound
may not be openly seen but it just keeps bleeding, draining all of me.