I am always using my anxiety as a
reason not to let someone come too close to me. If I felt like someone is trying
to fall into a comfortable routine of me, I would automatically distant myself
and hide back into my shell. I can’t go on that date because I need to go to
work. I can’t make time for movie date because I need to go to work. I can’t hangout
with you because I need to go to work.
It may be weird to have felt hot and
cold from me because one day I could be talking to you a lot and other time I
would be ignoring all the messages in my phone when the world closes on me. I
don’t function well under stress; I need people to keep 6-feet apart from me
when I signal them “I have to go to work”. It’s my comfort
space, it’s where I can hide from the world without needing to explain myself
further.
I don’t want to go out and meet my
friends, I don’t want to schedule time to meet up with another human being. The
longer I stay in, the longer I find comfort with isolating from the world. I
stop scrolling through Facebook where everyone is living on with a mask on,
pretending to be their best self. I am tired of putting on that smile and
pretend I have it all together. Because the longer I am trying to hold it
together, the more discomfort I get.
So, I am just going to hide back
inside my shell until I feel all better about myself and the world. Or maybe I
should never get out from it to avoid any casualties.