When I started meditation recently, a
lot of my feelings from the past have resurface in my mind. I had always wonder
where my heart is after giving up on love a long time ago. I never understood
why my heart never learn to trust again and/or why I could never let myself be
vulnerable to another human being.
On one of the occasions, I find my
mind floating into a very dark space with no light, and as I took the steps
down, like walking to a basement, I find a beating heart sitting in the dark
all alone, as I walk up to it, I felt a weakling heartbeat from the wound that
hasn’t heal or an ugly scar that wasn’t attended to in time. I silently patted
the heart and whisper “I’m sorry”. I suddenly recall the quote my
fingers wrote in my journal; My broken pieces are lying in the basement of
my abandoned heart. No one lives there now, not even I.
The other time, I close my eyes and
I felt a different kind of darkness from the usual. It was especially dark that
I felt like I’m in a different world each time I closes my eyes. I felt the
storm fogging up the mind as I find myself sitting by the riverbank feeling the
comfortness of the thunderstorm raging over the place, like a hurricane or a
tornado. I did not run or hide, I just lay there and let the rain pour over me.
I recall the time when I quote, I am a raging storm that’s temporary put
on hold and I am pieces with sharp edges and I will destroy you in the most beautiful
way possible.
And then I am slowly understanding
that my words reflect my reality. And it has shown
me answers that I have been looking for all along if I just have to look deeper
into my soul and read in between the lines.