I’ve always known that I ain’t
sunset, walks in the park, romantic candlelight dinner kind of girl, and it was
until I actually experienced all of these just verifies more on how much
I wasn’t that girl. I have been so accustomed to being alone that accommodating
another human being is difficult for me. I remember attending a course where I’m
required to write down my End Goals in life and it is being split towards
Experience, Growth and Contribution, none of the categories was filled with love
and relationship.
I never understood why I never felt
comfortable being the weak one, to say flattering things. I never understood
why I felt the effort of every single guy who has been trying, but it just felt
like shit. My heart craves for the toxic one, where I know the story leads me
to nowhere. I try too hard to let down my guard, but I just want to withdraw from
the story each time. I asked myself if I was afraid of commitment. But I just
didn’t like it when people relied on me because I wanted to stay free. And that
feeling went both ways, I didn’t want to rely on anyone else too.
I want to always take my car keys
and just drive to anywhere without making plans with another human being. I hate
it most when I have to answer what I did throughout the day, I am a walking
human being who has a life of its own, why couldn’t they find theirs? I
question myself over and again if I am a heartless sociopath or just an
aromantic, a person who has no interest in or desire for romantic
relationships. I guess I’m still figuring out in this lifetime.