Earlier this week I was on a work
task to the place that I’ve dread going since I ended my relationship. I find
myself no reason to be there anymore, but life seems to have a funny way to
remind us on the things we try to hide deep inside of us. I never knew I have been
hiding those feeling at the bottom of my heart until I have lost a part of my
memory. I tried very hard to find the journey there, because to me driving
has always been my favorite pastime.
I enjoy hitting the highways with
full control over the wheels without needing to hear the command from the navigation
even if that meant getting lost sometimes. Yet, I have been trying to find the
bits and pieces of my memories to drive to the location, yet it was lost. And
as I drove along the way, those memories came in one after another. I remember
sitting on the passenger seat almost every week driving to the same destination.
And all the sudden I felt the world closes
on me. I shut down from everyone and the people that’s around me. I put on the
mask and fake the smile; I just want to get through the day without breaking
apart. It was then I realize I have been so afraid of feeling, so afraid of rawness
that I never knew all these times I have been hiding my feelings. I was afraid
to be vulnerable and the thought of having someone close to me has always been
a sign of weakness to me. I refused to feel anything at all. I thought this
way I would never fall back into darkness, but really, I’m just refusing the
light to shine within.
I kept looking for the tears that
has dried on my heart a long time ago, I kept looking for the love from my
seemingly numb heart, I kept finding colors in the black and white world of
mine. Little did I know I was the one fear of feeling.