A few days ago, a post pop up on my
feed while I was scrolling through Facebook. It was a long heartfelt post from
2 years ago when her fiancée proposed to her. I was there too with my friends
to witness this Happily Ever After. All the sudden, a tsunami of memories came
flashing back on me. I remembered I was on the verge of breaking apart from
the relationship I was in 2 years ago. I felt the earthquake, the raging
storm clogging up inside my heart. No one notices it.
It’s okay. I have come a long way
since I ended that relationship. I have had guys that came along the way and
asked if they could label our friendship, but I don’t think I am ever ready
to take someone along with the journey. I have come to terms better with my
heart, my anxiety doesn’t creep me out of nowhere as often as the previous
time. I learn to heal, to talk about my past openly without having a storm
shutting over me. I am a better person than who I was in my twenties.
But a part of me still dies a little
each time I read her post. I could not even tell myself everything. Most of the
time I am mask underneath the bright and the comfortable, the calm and the
beautiful colors. I am well-prepared to say the things that make people around
me feel good, if not better. I never want anyone to fall into darkness without
having someone show them to the light. Darkness is a very complicated place to
be in, the longer you stay, the longer you want to be in it.
I still pray that I could one day
find myself needing another human being in the middle of my raging storm or
under the blazing sun. I hope I could find my way home into a person one day.
That very night I had a sudden meltdown out of nowhere where I find myself
running back into my Atticus after saying goodbye to him. I needed his
hug, his reassurance, his soothing voice telling me everything will be okay, I just have
to learn to brace the storm.
I always wonder if I would ever be
fully healed in this lifetime to let another human being close to me.