I have always thought that I have
lived glamorously throughout my mid-twenties where I fought most of my darkest
moment alone. I vowed myself to be stronger than many who needs another human
being by their side to hold them through moments like these.
We all shatter. I shatter and
instead of building myself back up, I build walls. I thought that if
I stop letting anyone into my lives, I will not get hurt again. I got myself
numb from feelings, but I kept my options open. I didn’t know love is an
addiction. It’s even when I have shattered over and over again, I kept
looking for it, without knowing I have locked it away in a long time.
I jump from relationship to
relationship, dates after dates trying to find that pieces that just don’t fit.
And it was exactly 2 years ago when I decide to drop my relationship and to never
love again. I find myself suffocating in his love each time someone express
their interest or tell me I love you. I just didn’t know what to react
because I have been numb for a long time.
Until recently, I find answers in
darkness. Each time I try to find answers to my seemingly broken heart, my mind
would wander to work. And it was only after a few times I realize that is exactly
what I do all the time. I find comfort hiding behind the excuses of my work. I
find comfort in my office. I find comfort in the success of my career, but I
felt invaded in relationships. That very night when I say goodbye to my Atticus,
my back ache so badly I drop everything and went for a body massage.
After all the darkness that I hid
inside of me, I find myself at the edge of a relationship again. I was skeptical
at first because for the first time in half the decade I felt something so
strong. I find my lips longing for a kiss and my body for a hug. And there’s a
little voice inside my heart that whisper you deserve another chance at
opening up. I am not sure if I’ve healed, but I will continue to heal.
Because for the first time in forever, I want to try again just one more time.