An
old friend called me in the middle of the night last week, it’s been long since
we have a conversation, he has migrated to Australia almost 5 years back, yet he
was lecturing me about how I keep giving up on relationships just because I’m
afraid of the future. He taught me how I should be “living in the moment”
and let the best unfold into my life. I admit that for most of my life, I’ve
always overthink on the future and I cannot function without a plan.
Unfortunately,
despite my best efforts, my entire lives still aren’t in my control. Some
moments have traumatized me and left me all shut down, never letting anyone
close to me to help me out. I had anxiety. For many years, I shut down people
when I sense a closeness, therefore I put on that mask and pretended that everything
inside of me is going perfectly well so that I wouldn’t have to do small talk. I
stopped feeling, I stopped loving, I just wanted to be invisible.
I’ve
been a raging storm for over the past decade, accidentally hurting all the guys
who came and wants to label the friendship. They sometimes talk about how they
wish they would like to know me sooner in life, but I never agree with that. I used
to find it hard to love myself on most days, you’re not going to like the
monster I’ve tame inside of me. It has cause more casualties than one could
imagine. We were taught that love is one thing that could conquer it all. So
I guess what I experience isn’t love.
I’ve
been a different person over the past 1 year, I felt I was different too. I have
not felt the raging storm in the past few months. I find myself having feelings.
I find myself feeling butterflies and having my heartbeat skipped. I find
myself being comfortable with his presence. I find his little thoughtfulness so
comforting and soothing. Yet when the quietest night come, I still wish he would
not ask for the label, not when I’m not done with all the overthinking. Because
I’m done being the villain of the story.