For
a normal person, they enter romantic relationships optimistically – they set a
date, they decide where they’re going, whether the other person is going to
pick us up or meet there. Or, if you’re like me, you probably run through at
least 10 excuses in your mind to cancel until it gets a little too late to
cancel, then somewhat drag your body (and hopefully your soul) along hoping
that he’s not weird and won’t murder you if you get into his car.
But,
as it tends to be, most of the time, we’ll end the date saying the usual, it
was nice meeting you, can’t wait to do it again. Both of us knows the
modern dating is just a series of bullshit. Then one day, something else
happens. Those awkward first dates turn into an awkward second date, then a
comfortable third and a promising fourth.
The
thing is you thought you’re healed. You thought your heart has finally learn to
move on from the past trauma, and it is going to be easy, because it started so
naturally. But no, none of it were easy, I had to make a conscious
decision to attend those text messages, to not ghost anyone because that’s what
I need to do, to find back my courage. I have to start giving those that wants
to stay a chance. It’s not effortless, I had to made a conscious decision every.single.day.
I need people to keep 6-feet apart from me when I signal them “I have to go
to work”.
There isn’t any word that I could put into to explain this dramatic scene. I don’t want to blame it on my anxiety, I don’t want to put the pressure over someone’s shoulder thinking he needs to heal me. I wish I could give my best but I’m sorry I’m just not wired this way. I don’t know whether I would ever learn to be vulnerable again in this lifetime, but I’m just hoping that all these stress isn’t going to eat me up all over again. I am hoping that my raging storm would not cause any more casualties.
And I know that until I can speak openly about who I am, what demons I battle with, where I came from, what I truly want, I will continue to roam in a temporary emotion.