I
will carry some load off your shoulder. I want to believe that these words
are true. I convince myself that I don’t have to fight every battle alone. I don’t
have to be my own knight in shining armor.
I never
thought that I need to always be the strong one, the dependable one, the one
who has it all together, because most of the times I’m that ticking bomb just
wanting to scream for help at the top of my lungs. Everyday I’m just trying to
catch my breath, to stay sane and ensure I do not kill anyone who accidentally
step on the landmine. That’s why I try to keep everyone at a safe distant.
But
every night I remind myself that I’m human, that there’s only so much I can do
and be, and that even though I am capable to carry the load over my shoulder,
doesn’t mean I need to do it myself. That I’m not weak when I take a break,
when I let someone hold me, when I ask for help. I remind myself that I do
not have to live this life alone, that there’re 7 billion people on this
planet, there must be a few that I could give my trust to.
I wish I knew how to quiet the thoughts that haunts me time and again, the ones that remind me that I’m never enough, that my existence is not worth it. I have to learn to stop putting up a façade that everything seems so perfect. Because the loneliness isn’t true, it’s the walls that I put up to protect what it’s left inside.
