There is Strength in Vulnerability

I have spent a great deal of time hiding. But not the type that hide from the world, I hide in the comfort of my own thoughts, I hide in the crowd so that it’s so loud I do not hear my own cry. I especially love the pandemic because that means I can hide my pain behind a mask. Other times, I just withdraw from the world when I feel that people are coming too close to me. I have been the middle-child all my life, being the center of attention was never my privilege.

The truth is vulnerability shakes me to the core. I will not go after that thing that terrifies me but excites me at the same time. If I do not want anything, I cannot be disappointed. If I do not try, I cannot fail. I don’t know which part of adulthood has break me because I started to realize that I stop talking about my feelings. I stop asking for help. Whenever I feel like my world is breaking apart, I just hide from the world, I do not let anyone see that I’m hurting.

I have created a life of safety that I have forgotten how to be loved. I never open up my worries and fears, I let it turn into anxiety. Even after taking all the efforts to open up, to speak openly about my feelings, I still find that there is a graveyard in my mouth, filled with words that have died on my lips. But I will never know why you are the one that I shared my life’s story to. I contemplated for a long time if he’s going to walk away after seeing all my wounds, it just terrifies me.

When he wants to know about my story, I told him that I’m darkness. He answers, you don’t look like one. Of course, I don’t. I have been masking it so well for the past decade, I have played various roles to fit the character suited to the scene. At work, I am open-minded and optimistic. When I meet my business associates, I am outgoing and creative. With my friends, I am free-spirited, talkative, and fun. The funny thing is, everyone would describe me as deeply authentic. That is not to say, I never show up. There are moments throughout every day when I arrive with my whole being but the vast majority of the time; I am not my integrated, authentic self.

But it just calms my heart when I still hear from him. I was told that we will learn something new about ourselves every time we share. A little bit of light enters the darkness. I sat in the car for a long time after reaching home, I felt the urge of breaking apart, and I wonder when I thought I could no longer cry, have I been the one stopping myself from having feelings? Am I the one shielding myself from feeling, from authentic connection just because I was afraid.

I know he has given me a genuine vibe all this time; I just need to convince my unconscious mind that there is strength in vulnerability. There is courage in trust. And there is so much more unrelenting joy for every moment spent with him.