I’ve
forgotten when anxiety has started taking over my life. I often feel like I don’t
deserve to be gifted a human being close to me. It’s easier to ignore my
darkness when no one else knows what’s really going on. As soon as I start developing
feelings, the question arises: how much can I share? What did I just put
myself into?
I’ve
spent a huge chunk of my twenties being selfish with my time and all the
aspects of me. What I’m learning about relationships is that no matter how much
work I do alone, it’s not teaching me how to deal with other human beings. I’m
naturally a bit of a loner. However, each time I get into a relationship, the monsters
that I tame inside of me want to come out to play and screw it all up. My
anxiety whispers insidious thoughts of doubt and worthlessness into my brain.
I
let myself drown in my own thoughts hoping that the storm will pass soon. I
know that I’m not guaranteed the love of others and that I have to be strong
within myself in order to move through this life and keep my sanity. I want
to be able to love and be loved without fear or insecurity. I want to feel
good enough about myself to maintain that sense of security when he walks into
my life. I pray that the storm will not ruin anything each time, I pray that
it doesn’t cause any casualties.
I
want to love, but my demons keeps whispering at the back of my mind, telling me
I will never make it right in this lifetime.