Sometimes
I find it hard being the girl who feels too much, thinks too much. In a
world where logic trumps feelings, it’s a constant battle to either quiet those
feelings or scare people away. I do it all the time – to hide my heart away, thinking
that this is the best way to shield the heart.
I feel I love you but say that’s great. I acted cool and put up the façade hoping that it wouldn’t be demolished anytime soon. I feel I miss you, but my fingers say I’m busy. I act like I do not know what’s going on, but my six sense knows better than anyone. I feel I need you, but I tell him that city girls are built to fight battles ourselves. We are strong and we are built to be our own knight in shining armor.
I thought
that being numb from feelings has given me a great excuse not to face my own
fears and anxiety. Yet I knew all these times that I was a big part of the problem.
I play into the idea of numbness but all it brings is coldness. I never
understood how people could be unapologetic to themselves, that they can hand
out their hearts with every interaction, without fear.
I
always knew I’m the girl who feels too much. I want to finally learn what
vulnerability is, that vulnerability isn’t weak, that it’s okay to think with
my heart. I remind myself that the beautiful thing about love is that I make my
own rules – it’s not possible to do it wrong, as long I’m being honest with
myself. But I also believe that there’s someone outside just like me, except
a little bit taller, a little bit bolder, a little bit more courageous.