It’s
been more than half a decade since I’ve felt this way. I haven’t felt a
heartbeat, I never felt so comfortably safe in someone’s arm. You have
contradicted all the forces that have long been shattering me. You have brought
me a spark of light when I thought the darkness was incurable. However, you
need to know that I have anxiety, I will never go after that thing that
terrifies me but excites me at the same time.
Even
though I wake up with a text from you every morning that brings a smile on my
face, I am still afraid. Even though having the thought of you disturbing
me throughout the day brings me a smile that can be seen right through my eyes,
I am still afraid. Even though I sleep with the last thought of you in
my mind, I’m still afraid. I’m afraid on how someone could have so much
control over my emotions, that even though you brought me happiness, at the
same time you brought me tears.
I’m
merely just getting used to the labels you put on us, and I’ve already felt
more earthquakes than I could in the past decade. I’ve forgotten how many times
I had to withdraw myself from the world because anxiety hits me all over again.
I hadn’t cried in a long time, yet you put me in the urge of tears. And even
though I’m desperate to mourn over the hurt and pain that I’ve hid inside of
me, I do not wish that you were the one that triggers them.
You
have invaded so much of me that I tremble with fear. Yet, I kept myself
reminded that feeling too much is always better than feeling numb. I
know it’s impossible to not feel hurt or broken in this lifetime, I just wish
that you’re not the reason that I cry myself to sleep. I don’t think I would
ever find the strength to pick up the pieces again, at the same time I’m not
quite ready to let go of another passing day without you in it.