Last
week I’ve had a panic attack after a little hiccups every now and then life has
thrown on me. Am I having a dejavu from my past relationship, I panicked. Why
are all the incidents so similar to the past? I tried to keep up the optimistic
in life, solving one thing after another but it just felt like I am drowning in
a tsunami where I continuously try to find my breath. And at night, I am haunted
by the demons in my sleep reminding how I am never good enough for him.
I used
to run away when the demons came close to me, sometimes I fight against it and
find my way to the happy side. It’s warm there, like I’m in a safe arms. But
the warmth is just enough, comforting even. As I wander through it, I slowly
realize I’m at the end where I am being reminded the exact cycle when I get
into a relationship. I stroll through them, trying to find myself a different
route. It’s quiet and dark all over again, yet there’s a sense of calm and
peace looking at the storm.
There’s
a heat stroke happening outside the world, yet it always seemed to rain in this
part of my mind. I never try to hide from the storm though, I just let the storm
rained past it. I walk once again, that’s when I hear the demons whispering at
me all over again. I look into the mirror and the reflection of my face
shocks me, I don’t like the person staring back at me. I usually start
hiding until I feel like myself again, but no.
Even
though I felt the hole in my heart that night, I continued to dig deeper. I
cannot let myself live in fear my entire lives, I need to learn to let someone
close to me all over again, I whisper to myself. I don’t like the feeling of
being vulnerable, it’s like suddenly losing control over myself. Why does he have
so much control over my emotions, I don’t like it. That’s the demons that
mumble around me. But before I can even stand up and fight, there were his
arms pulling me close to him.
I
guess you are stronger than my demons.