I’m
on the verge of a mental breakdown. For the past one week, I lost my appetite all
over again, my memory just gets worse, I lose my ability to focus. I could not
even sit still for 10 minutes just to meditate, just to ask my mind to shut up!
I hated myself, I question why did I put myself into such situation all over
again. Why did I put myself in a relationship just to let guys control over
my emotions? I’m build differently, I’m a woman who has been independent my
entire lives.
I
don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m not sure what to feel. I just put on the mask
and hope the façade does not fall apart until I can shut the door at night. I
want to put my music on to the maximum, so I do not have to hear my own voice.
I’ve been trying to analyze myself; I thought those emotions have been stable
for the past 6 months, but then I realized that’s not me!
I’m
not coping. I am sensing a loss of control in my life. I was never built
to be vulnerable; I am always the strong one. I was trained to be my own knight
in shining armor, I will not ask for help even when I’m struggling, needless to
say I need anyone to help me with things I’m capable of. Heck when I ask God
for help, I ask him to give me the wisdom to live this life and not just the
answer to the solution! That’s the extremeness in me when I say I ain’t
vulnerable.
I’m
so amazingly disappointed in myself right now. For everything. Not just this. I
worked myself into excellence and for what? To have an emotional breakdown all
over again when I was asked to be a woman.