Some Days It Just Takes Me

Some days are just hard. There will be days when everything is going perfectly well but I still feel like shit. There are days when I sit staring at the computer screen at work, just trying to hold myself together and not break apart. And I don’t even know what I’m sad about. These will be the days when the world feels too heavy, and nothing makes sense. It’s when all the feelings you thought you’d forgotten come flashing back to you all at once. It’s wishing all the pain could be numb like before.

There are days when putting up the mask requires no effort, yet there are times when no matter how I hypnotize myself to be positive, to appreciate the little things in life, I just want to throw everything into the air and take my passport and leave. It’s feeling so much ache eating up inside of me that I can feel the thunderstorm crowding inside my mind. I convince myself that it’s normal to feel this way, I just need to find a safe place to let go of these emotions so I can build myself back again.

That there’s nothing scary about breaking apart and picking up myself from the floor. Those problems are going to be a part of a lifelong journey, I just need to learn to put down the stress that I’ve been stacking on top of my shoulder. I reminded myself that I’ve made it through every single battle, and that I could be wounded but also stronger in every way. That at some point, I have to stop fighting the past and start fighting for the present.

I know I’d have to keep mustering up enough faith to believe in silver linings, that everything that happens is exactly for me. I just need to stop eating up myself when life is falling apart and let someone hold me. That I’d one day find back my tears, to let go of all the pain that I’ve stem down inside of me. But right now, I just need to wish that the mask would not fall anytime soon, and trust that everything will get better.