Living
with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities
and uses them against you. I’ve been stumbling a-lot for the past few weeks, but
it just seems like whatever I do, I lose control over the thoughts in my own
mind, the world is closing on me and my mind tricks me into believing
everything’s so wrong. I keep convincing myself on how far I’ve come, and how
proud I should be for achieving much more in life than I could think of. Yet
my mind is able to throw me off the building and push me back into darkness.
I never
allow this voice to get outside of my head, I don’t want the unnecessary attention,
the overwhelming care, and the need to put these feelings into words to
explain why I feel this way. I was never hard on myself, I don’t stress
myself out or thought the worst of every situation, but I never understood how
I ended here. I sometimes think I’m a joke myself, where my friends come to me
to calm their insecurities, to rearrange their thoughts, yet I am living on the
edge every day.
I
guess I underestimated what anxiety really is. I can yell shut up at the voices
a few times throughout the day to make up the scenarios that will never happen;
then it haunts me in my sleep. It digs out the things that I will never speak
about, it digs out the tears that will never make it out of my eyes and makes
me breathless. Yet I whisper to myself, every day I wake up, I win at life. I
put on that mask and get shit done.