Last
night I dreamt about a slow death, where I woke up in the middle of the night
all freaked out and my heartbeat raising up on me. I wanted to hide underneath
the blanket and just eat it up myself, but I turned to the other side of the bed
and there he was, sleeping so soundly. My unconscious mind whispered to move
closer and let him hold onto me, hoping it would calm those raging heartbeats, yet I
couldn’t wake him up.
I couldn’t
let myself fall back to sleep, how could I? I never knew if the demons were
going to haunt me again. I think about the conversation we had before we fell
asleep. I was disappointed on how careless he is about my mental health. I
think about vulnerability, what’s vulnerable? Saying what you want and
saying what you don’t want? He talked about his dream wedding and where he hopes
it could be held. And he asked about mine. It’s amazing how hard it is to
say what we want and what we don’t want – especially for women.
I
looked up the meaning behind those haunted images, it defines in a way that I
need to reevaluate my life and the decisions that I’m making. I may be going on
the wrong path. Alternatively, it could also mean I have a limited time to
respond or to do something. It’s hard for me to let someone deep inside of
me, sharing my fears and dreams. And as soon as the sunrises, I put on that
mask and pretended that none of this has been bothering me.