There
are simply so many weddings to attend this year since the pandemic has lifted. It just
feels like everyone around is just celebrating about their love. Every few
months I either get a wedding invitation and/or birthday celebration for their
kid. Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrating love, witnessing new couples walking
into a new stage of life together. Yet even how I continue to mask myself with
love and positivity everywhere I go, I am terrified of love. I’ve always
been.
I am
terrified of letting myself be vulnerable; for someone to truly know my
thoughts and in turn holds the key to push me back into darkness. I am
terrified of letting myself feel; of letting my heart get in the way of my
head. I am terrified of not being able to be in control of myself; to let down
the walls I have so carefully constructed over the years. I am afraid of
falling into a boring cycle of life and to truly live a meaningful life.
I am
terrified that my priorities are no longer mine, that I will curse myself for allowing
myself to fall but ending falling too hard and too far down without anyone
catching me at the bottom. Even though it felt good to be able to feel again, I
am still terrified. I am terrified that someone would accidentally open up the
wounds that’s still bleeding over the years. I am terrified about losing
control about myself. I am terrified about the big things and the little
things. I am terrified of love.
Yet
every day I remind myself not to think about tomorrow, for each day has
enough trouble of its own.