I
want to find back my happiness. I wish I could go back to my twenties and continue
being that carefree girl who would just pack her bags and travel the world. I
don’t know where I can find my happiness again, but I know it’s definitely not
going to be in this place. And this time I do not want to just leave, come
back and do everything all over again. I am not sure if I’m ready to leave
everything behind, because now that I’m older and not as carefree as my younger
self, but still, I owe it to myself for a long time.
I
promised my younger self that I would take care of myself better, I would learn
to love myself more, I would learn to put myself as my own priority over
others. Every year when I set out my resolutions, I remind myself that it’s
okay if we do not achieve anything as long as we make it through the year
without breaking anything apart. Yet, every year I destroy myself in more ways
than I can see. I never listen to my heart; I never look after my mental health,
and I mask them all underneath a smile.
But
what can I say, life is a bitch, the universe always want you to have a goal
and a plan so that it can play you out, turn your life upside down and tells
you how these shitty moments have made you tough, that these shitty moment are
what shape you to who you are. I’ve always wanted to leave yet the thought of
living without you is paralyzing.