Am
I happy? Am I really happy in a relationship? So many times, I believe that,
just like life, giving more than I receive is okay for me, giving more
means I’m more capable and it also meant I do not have to rely on another human
being. I don’t mind prioritizing his feelings, and even after all these months
I never expect that he’ll treat me the way I treated him. All I ever ask for is
full attention when we’re out on a date.
But
I guess my feng shui master is right. She told me from the very
beginning that loving him means I’m going to love him more than he does. But
that does not mean that I want to be treated like an afterthought. I’ve
been loved so many times throughout this lifetime, but my heart just couldn’t
feel the mutual love. Yet one thing I learn from these guys is consistency. They
never once make me feel like I’m not loved, they never once make me feel like I’m
asking for too much.
And
for all the years of dating, the guys know one rule: I needed a plan in
advance. They know I’d need all the time to overthink the things that could
go wrong, to put myself in the right mood, to just be mentally ready for
everything that might happen. Yet with him, having a plan means everything
isn’t going to be as planned. Any fun date ideas are just going to go down
the drain for whatever reason or accident.
Maybe
he doesn’t want a relationship, maybe fate thinks we’re not supposed to be together.
Maybe I’m just not a priority, maybe that’s my karma for breaking hearts. Or
maybe I’m just destined to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe my life goal
really is to leave the country and start anew. I cannot keep giving maximum
reward for minimum effort.