My
heart feels weak lately. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like meeting
people. Sometimes I don’t even feel like eating. I’ve been hibernating, quietly
retreating from the world, and for a while I wondered if something was wrong
with me. But maybe my heart isn’t asking me to do more. Maybe is asking me to
listen.
For
the past 2 years, I have been putting myself out there. I met people I would
have never otherwise crossed paths with. I said yes to conversations, dinners,
trips, new experiences. I gave people the benefit of the doubt. I tried to
understand. I kept believing that the more life you allow to experience, the
more chances you give life to surprise you.
And
perhaps that is why I am tired now. Not because I regret any of it, but because
I have genuinely tried. I have opened doors, stepped into rooms, met people
halfway and given more chances than some probably deserved. But after being
sick twice this year, something in me became much quieter. When your body asks
you to slow down, perhaps you finally notice what your heart has been trying to
tell you.
I
don’t want to spend my energy decoding people anymore. I don’t want to make
excuses for someone’s uncertainty or keep entertaining something simply because
maybe it could become something. My heart has become a little more selective about
what it wants to carry. And honestly, I think that is a good thing. So perhaps
this is me taking my life back.
Not closing
myself off from the world, but becoming more intentional about what I allow
into it. I get to decide what deserves my time, my attention, my softness and
my energy. I get to stop forcing doors open and trust that what truly belongs
in my life will not require me to exhaust myself just to keep it there. As
for love, I think I’m going to put down the search for a little while. Not
dramatically. Not heartbreakingly. Just… peacefully.
Consider
this my little white flag. I have participated. I have contributed. I have done
my part. For now, I would like to be left alone with my books, my quiet days
and whatever else makes life feel like mine again. And if life wants to
surprise me again, it knows where to find me.