I am
starting to realize that the less I date, the better my life seems to feel. I
enjoy the solitude. The peacefulness of getting lost in a book without
having to pause for a conversation. Going out for a meal and enjoying every
bite without wondering what the other person wants to eat. I can change my
plans, take a different route, stay a little longer, or go home whenever I feel
like it. There’s a certain freedom in not having to look beside me all the
time.
I
don’t have to wonder whether someone is having a good day or a bad one. Whether
they’re quiet because they’re tired, upset, distracted or simply not in the
mood to talk. I don’t have to keep checking in, interpreting silences,
adjusting my energy, or making sure the atmosphere between us is okay. Sometimes
I just want to existing without having to be emotionally available to someone
else. And perhaps that’s the part of dating I find exhausting. Not the
person themselves, but the constant awareness that comes with sharing your life
with another human being.
I
understand that loving someone means making room for them, too. But I’ve spend
so much of my life being responsible, making decisions, managing things and
looking after myself that sometimes the thought of managing another person’s
emotional world feels like another responsibility I didn’t ask for. And when I
look at my life now, I realize I am really at peace with life. I have things
to look forward to; places to visit, books I want to read, businesses to
build, investments to think about, and a whole life to experience.
I’m
not saying I’ll never fall in love again. I still believe two people can make each
other’s lives better. But I also believe that companionship should bring
warmth, not become another source of exhaustion. For now, I’m quite happy with
my own company. No emotional temperature to check, no plans to coordinate, no
one else’s mood to figure out. Just me, my book, a good meal and the freedom to
enjoy my day exactly as it is.
I
haven’t given up on love. I’ve simple stopped making room for something that
takes more from me than it gives.