I spend the night being awake after
drinking a shot of Ice Coffee, sitting by the window skipping every song that
was on shuffle on the iPad trying to find that one song that fits in my current
mood. I look up to the busy highways trying to remember the last time I was
happy. It’s because of the coffee that kept me awake for the night to let my
thoughts run wild again.
It always feel like I’m the one sinking,
and it’s deeper each time someone ask about the life and I got to lie through
those words saying “I’m alright”. And
a little bit deeper when the night falls, where I have to bring in those
thoughts of “I’m alright, I’m alright”. Yet
sometimes I wish I never have to fall asleep because those memories will haunt
you in your sleep like a nightmare, chasing you in circle. And I think to
myself, being able to be awake is better than having nightmares.
I wake up, I’m alright, I’m alive, I go
on about the day, I’m alright. I tell my friends, my co-workers that I’ll be
back, but my plans only involve a one-way ticket that I wouldn’t want to return
to. I take a deep breath; push back a tear coming out of nowhere. I thought the
tears were all dried up. The truth is, I think about it a lot, disappearing,
this is not to say that I want to end my life, but I want to leave this place,
I want to get unstuck from a place I’ve been stuck in since forever. I want to get into another dimension like the Wrinkle of Time, just so I wouldn't be found.
Maybe it’s just standing in front of the
ocean, getting close enough to feel the water on feet. Maybe it’s appreciating
its beauty without thinking about drowning in it. Maybe it’s the realization I
exist. Within pain itself, there’s a tiny sliver of light in the darkness.