I can judge how far I've come by how long it take for you to pop into my head after I wake up. If I take 5 minutes, I'm very impressive. It’s not that I want to torture myself with memories from the past but my brain is just hard-wired to resurrect pictures, places, smiles, anything really from when I was my happiest. I'm sometimes amazed on how fresh my wounds feel. The pain comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I get distracted long enough to forget, but it only last of a little while. Inevitably the surge returns, and I temporary lose myself in a memory, desperate to travel back in time.
I’m usually pretty good at pretending that I am happy alone or that I am not completely broken. But sometimes the charade falls and my façade of tranquility starts to crack. The cracks spread wider and wider until I can no longer lie. That’s when I close my eyes and my throat tightens and I miss you. I let myself miss you because I no longer wants to fight against those feelings so pure. I let myself grieve for a few minutes, and then I start up the charade again. I rebuild that wall and I face the world.
I know it will take time for me to make peace with the fact that you and I could never get the possibility of “us”. I know it will be a while before I find the strength to rearrange all the pieces and glue them back together, instead of slapping a smile on my face and lying to everyone. I try my hardest to be brave. I’m sorry if you occasionally watch the façade crack or I lose the momentarily of life.
I will never regret being able to know you in this lifetime. I never will. There’s so much you have made out of me, and I know you wouldn't know, but I knew so much about love from loving you even you may not know my existence. And this is why I miss you. 3 years into knowing you, and each year I wish I could have the privilege to celebrate this day with you. Happy Birthday, First Love.
I’m usually pretty good at pretending that I am happy alone or that I am not completely broken. But sometimes the charade falls and my façade of tranquility starts to crack. The cracks spread wider and wider until I can no longer lie. That’s when I close my eyes and my throat tightens and I miss you. I let myself miss you because I no longer wants to fight against those feelings so pure. I let myself grieve for a few minutes, and then I start up the charade again. I rebuild that wall and I face the world.
I know it will take time for me to make peace with the fact that you and I could never get the possibility of “us”. I know it will be a while before I find the strength to rearrange all the pieces and glue them back together, instead of slapping a smile on my face and lying to everyone. I try my hardest to be brave. I’m sorry if you occasionally watch the façade crack or I lose the momentarily of life.
I will never regret being able to know you in this lifetime. I never will. There’s so much you have made out of me, and I know you wouldn't know, but I knew so much about love from loving you even you may not know my existence. And this is why I miss you. 3 years into knowing you, and each year I wish I could have the privilege to celebrate this day with you. Happy Birthday, First Love.
